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A REPORT FROM THE PHANTOM ZONE

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A REPORT FROM THE PHANTOM ZONE

By Steve Aishman

Dear movie industry liars,

Why have you decided that it is easier to make a bad movie with good advertising than to just make a good movie? You should hire the guys who make your ads to make your movies because they must be super-creative to make your crap look interesting. Almost everyone I know shows up at the movies early to watch the previews because they are actually exciting! Usually the movie is a huge disappointment where people leaving saying things like "all the good scenes were in the ads" or "that is not at all what the ads made it look like".

(I should probably say spoiler-altert here, but you are probably well aware that all of your movies are more spoiled than Madonna's baby in a Gap store. Ok I'll say it any way.)

Spoiler Alert!

Take for example the ads for Orphan which make the movie look scary and they actually say it has a twist, well it turns out the movie is a comedy because a) the parents are named John and Kate (ha!) b) you can see a microphone boom in a number of shots and c) the adopted girl is a midget. (Seriously, that's the twist! How funny is that!?!)

The Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen ads make it look like a new movie, but most of it was stolen from other movies. The temple scenes were from Indiana Jones, the Terminatrix was from Terminator 3, the scene in the Matrix where Smith implants Neo with a bug was just completely ripped off, the battle in the Smithsonian was like Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian, and even parts of Team America were put into the plot of the Transformers! Why are you stealing from bad movies! How can you not be creative enough to steal from good movies?

Recipe for Crap Cake:
INGREDIENTS (Nutrition)
* 2 teenage love triangles
* 1 hour of character development followed by nothing
* 22 year old actors trying to play 16
* the ability to do magic, but no action scenes
* a PG rating
Bake 2.5 hours, makes one Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince crap cake.

In order to help you tell the truth about your movies, we recommend developing a whole new rating system. Since most the previous rating systems like the PG scale, thumbs-up/thumbs-down or the "how many" stars system appear to be arbitrary, completely political, or have no meaning at all, we have developed a new system for you. Feel free to implement it as you see fit.

Our new movie rating system is based on the award winning 1980's television series The Golden Girls. As everyone knows, the best part of the series was old women saying inappropriate things. So from now on, movie ads should not say things like "Movie of the decade – New York Times" or "A real popcorn flick – the Boston Globe" and instead they should quote from the "Golden Girls" like:

"Fasten your seatbelt, slut puppy. This ain't gonna be no cakewalk."-Sophia
"I hope you like it, Dorothy said you would like something crotchless."-Rose
"I'm not patronizing you I'm mocking you." - Dorothy
"Eat dirt and die trash." –Blanche
"Funny, touching and with a surprise twist ending. I wonder if it was true. Damn that stroke." - Sophia
"It looks like the road company of Cocoon." - Dorothy
"I haven't seen that much face-eating since Silence of the Lambs." - Sophia
"I thought since you look like Yoda you were also wise." - Blanche
"Try kissing my behind. It's a real peach!" –Sophia

Using Golden Girls quotes in movie ads will be just about as accurate as current movie ads, but they will also be funny. Or you could try making good movies, but I doubt that will happen.

Concerned Citizens,
The Aishmans


All images via Google.


About Author

Steve Aishman is a former resident of the Phantom Zone. Since his escape he has been a regular contributor Big RED & Shiny.

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