A REPORT FROM THE PHANTOM ZONE

By STEVE AISHMAN

Based on the Cosmic Calendar, Prof. Steve Aishman has prepared his astrological predictions for people going to Miami Basel 2007. Find your astrological sign and have your future revealed to you!

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The Collector:
You will feel pissed because the once elite fairs have doubled in size to over 50,000 visitors. Middle-to-Upper-Class-Riff-Raff (or MUCRRs for short) will be everywhere. You will decide that Miami Basel was much cooler two years ago before anyone with a little money to spend learned that prestige could be bought while on vacation at an art fair.

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The Art Vacationer:
You will feel confused over what the big deal is. You will have seen more Picasso’s the last time you went to the Met and you will not find any of the art “deals” people are talking about. While you are going to Miami planning on finding a small something for your summer home, you’ll decide that even the least expensive art piece is way over-priced.

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The Curator:
You will feel let down because all of the galleries you are going to see will bring their most conservative pieces to increase sales to the MUCRRs. The few galleries that will take risks will prove to be uninteresting.

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The Gallery Owner:
You will feel cheated because the public has decided that Miami Basel is a social event rather than venue to purchase art. You will waste 3 days explaining your artists’ work to MUCRRs who will insist on telling you that they “just really love the work” and have no intention of buying. You will decide that most people don’t understand that Miami Basel is a huge investment that demands a return.

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The Gallery Worker:
You will feel over-stressed and under-paid. You will discover that most people are expecting luxury treatment in a 12’x12’ booth. You will spend most of your time explaining that “you don’t have work by that artist that someone once saw somewhere”.

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The Celebrities, the Wanna-be-Celebrities and the Fashionistas:
Who cares about how you’ll feel? All that matters is that more people will be looking at you than the art.

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The Art Critic:
You will feel like you have to write something, but what is there to write about? Miami Basel is not an exhibition, so how can you criticize it? You will feel like a fashion critic trying to write intelligently about a trip to the mall.

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The Unrepresented Artist:
You will feel like you wasted your time and money because the smaller, more exciting satellite venues like Scope and Aqua will be overwhelmed with people. The gallery owners will not have time to talk with you and they definitely will not have time to look up your website. So you will have wasted time and money getting to Miami that you should have spent on new work.

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The Represented Artist:
You will feel like maybe your gallery is thinking of dropping you because of lack-luster sales, but it’s not your fault! CNN is throwing around the word “recession” like it’s as inevitable as global warming. What does your gallery think that this is the late 90’s and art-work is just flying off of the walls?

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The Business-People-Who-Don’t-Care-at-All-About-Art:
You will feel that the drinks and clubs were great and that you made lots of solid business connections. Of all of the groups, you are the only one who will actually get what they went to Miami for.

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Everyone Else in Miami:
You will feel like there was an asshole convention in town.

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Everyone Else in America:
Miami what?

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Everyone else in the World:
Upon discovering what Americans spend their time and money on, you will feel like you got screwed.